How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.