"Just looking on the sunny side."
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Icy what you did there.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
I’ll never fir-get.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Irish you luck.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!