I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
You are pitcher perfect.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.