What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
We make a great pear
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Goat milk?
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.