Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Call me on the shellphone.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.