Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Dublin’ the fun.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
You're acute Valentine.
I cannoli be happy
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.