What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Having a ball
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"