Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.