What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.