How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.