How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
"Alcohol you later."
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Water you doing, my friend?
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.