I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.