What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Live to tell the tail.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.