I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Feeling fintastic.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."