Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
You have goat to be kidding me.