Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.