What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Your good weed for the day.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”