Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I scored when I met you.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!