What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!