What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
"Read between the wines."
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
You’re my #1 pick.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
One more thyme.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.