I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”