Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.