I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.