Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Treat yo'elf.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I only have ice for you.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.