Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.