Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Busy buzzing bumble bees.