Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’