How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Don’t moss around.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!