What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**