The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.