I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
The goal nine yards
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.