My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I like your tight end
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
That was thaw-some!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!