I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Seas the day.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!