Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
You are aged to perfection.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.