Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
I loaf you.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!