How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Long thyme no see.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Up to snow good.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.