Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”