I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
I'm snow bored.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.