What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
He threw three free throws.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!