Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
I love you dairy much.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
All farts...are laughing gas.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.