What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
The snuggle is real.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Fall is a-maize-ing.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?