Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Fresh French fried fly fritters
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!