What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Snow on and snow forth.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
I have no shelf control.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.