Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
I think I found my perfect match
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.