The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"