I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.