How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
"You crack me up."
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.