Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Dublin’ the fun.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
"You had me at merlot."
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
"Read between the wines."
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.