A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.