I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
My love for you simply radiates.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.