Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
I like you sow much.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible