What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
In on the ground flora.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin