Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.