What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Time to spruce things up.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!