I love when you coddle me.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
I’m rooting for you!
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Irish you were beer.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.