What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Thin grippy thick slippery.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.