My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Everybody romaine calm.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.