What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.