What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Snow thank you.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.