What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Do you comma here often?
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
You are shrimply the best!
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana