Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
I followed my heart to you.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.