Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.