What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
The goal nine yards
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.