Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.