What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Call me on the shellphone.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
I loaf you.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.