The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Water you doing on [date]?
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I only have ice for you.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.