Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.