Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Deja brew all over again.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.