Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.