You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Deja brew all over again.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
As it snow happens.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.