Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
You shamrock my world.
"Aloe you vera much."
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.