Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What does a house wear?
Address.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.