What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
I think you're mer-mazing.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Give me some pigskin
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Sips getting real.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.