My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
I sulfur when you argon.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!