What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
As it snow happens.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Time to spruce things up.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
I love you from my head tomato
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust