Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
"Dying to have fun."
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.