I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.