What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
"Just don't carrot all."
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
You are spud-tacular.