What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
You are pitcher perfect.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
"You had me at merlot."
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Say it ain’t snow.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”