Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.