Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
"I mead more wine."
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.