If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.