Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
The pint’s the limit.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.