Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
"Read between the wines."
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
You are aged to perfection.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
We’re mint to be.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.