What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
You're acute Valentine.