What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I can heartly wait to see you.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Your good weed for the day.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Ah! The element of surprise.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked