Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Yoda one for me!
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.