What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I love you deerly.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.