Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
It’s worth a shot.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.