A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Whatever coats your boat.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.