What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
I like you, you croc my world.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.