How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Snow on and snow forth.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
It takes one to snow one.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
I’ll never fir-get.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.