Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Variety is the ice of life.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.