What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It’s worth a shot.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Pirates Private Property.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.