Ireland is pitcher perfect.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
I have the final sleigh.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.