The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Beach you to it.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....