What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society