What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I can heartly wait to see you.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
You raise the bar.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
This summer is going swimmingly.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."