What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Variety is the ice of life.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo