All things must grass.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Burst into cheers!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"