My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.