What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
I like you a latke!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
You mermaid to go far.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.