Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
All punts are highly intended
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.