Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
"You bake me crazy."
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.