Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!