Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Owl always love you.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
This foundation is rock salad.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Some bunny loves you.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.