If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
The goal nine yards
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!