What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.