Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
"Dying to have fun."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I’m fondue you.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.