I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.