A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
It’s snow joke.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.