Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
I yam what I yam.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Can I be Candide with you?
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Beer-lieve it or not!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.