What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
The goal nine yards
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.