What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.