Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?