What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
He threw three free throws.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”