Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"