If there's a will, there's a wave.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
As it snow happens.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Beer-lieve it or not!
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
I love you so fairy much.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"