What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Join us for plenty of play action.