Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.