You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!