When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
It was mitten in the stars.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
You raise the bar.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.