I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
It’s a winterful day!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
My love for you simply radiates.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!