What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!