It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Football is one habit I will never kick
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.