What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Trowel and error.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
"Back that glass up."
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!