"You make me egg-static."
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
All clover the world.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
It's ice to meet you.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”