What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
You’re my lucky charm.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.