Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Have you botany plants lately?
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Distill my beating heart.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Dublin’ the fun.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!