If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
"Bone to be wild."
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Irish I had better jokes.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.