How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!