What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"Sip, sip hooray."
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
I like your tight end
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”