Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.