I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.