Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
"I lava you."
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.