If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times