Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Water you doing on [date]?
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Leave poetry to the prose.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Just brew it!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.