The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.