Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I like you a latte.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.