What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
All punts are highly intended
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Say it ain’t snow.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
You snooze. You booze.