I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
"Read between the wines."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.