How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.